Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
