We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
