and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
