Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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