I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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