You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
