For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
