You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
