worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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