he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
