When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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