You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sext me about skeletons
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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