he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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