he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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