dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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