i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
