Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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