life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
All the doctor said was why
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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