And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
