So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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