I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
