I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
