Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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