I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
