my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
