The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize