i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
