it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
