sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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