We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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