Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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