i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I love having hate sex.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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