i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
