was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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