i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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