I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
