lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
