and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
