can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
