I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
