Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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