She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My breasts were aching with rage.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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