i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
