i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
