remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
