I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
