I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
