I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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