Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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