No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
