see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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