So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
