There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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