You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
