Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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