well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
